Therapy

So today I had my weekly session with my therapist - well, I say weekly but I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks and won't be seeing him again for three weeks.

I like going to my therapy sessions as it gives me a chance to offload things but I can't help but keep things back. I am having a real depressive phase at the moment and find myself in really dark places. I can't help but feel that if I told him how down I feel that I would somehow be letting him down. He has put so much in to making me feel better and I feel guilty that I still have these feelings.

I've been seeing him for about 6 months which is a lot longer than I first intended. I like him because he can see through the 'i'm fine' and knows when I am fine but also when I am not. I feel lucky that I found him and really do appreciate the time and patience he has with me.

At the moment, I feel like i'm going through the motions of day to day living and pretending like everything is ok on the outside, but inside, I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I wish that I was able to verbalise this but throughout my childhood and teenage years I was scolded for feeling things so I have learnt that I need to keep these to myself. I try to tell friends how I feel but in the end I just end up pretending that everything is wonderful which just makes me feel even more alone.

I am hoping that this depressive phase doesn't last too long as it is not a nice place to be.

I guess this is just another day living as a manic depressive...