Family...

So the past week I have been in a depressive phase, or what I can in a bit of a funk.

Until Friday, I had managed to keep up the pretence that everything was ok and that there was nothing at all wrong. I am now off work for a week and haven't gotten dressed or been out of the house since Friday night. 

When I read other blogs, twitter or forums, what strikes me is how supportive people's family's can be. Whilst I am pleased for those people as everyone deserves support, I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy as I don't have that. In fact, I don't really have the support of anyone except my psychotherapist and psychiatrist. But do they only care because that is what I pay them to do?

My mum in particular is a big trigger for my depression. When I look back, she has always been very critical of me and likes to control my life. Even when I was a child, she would moan that she had to pick me up from school as she didn't feel like a 'playground mum', or that they had no money because of me, or that all the bad things that have happened within the family are because of me. Sometimes, if something breaks at their house, I will be blamed regardless of me being there or being 100 miles away. 

My mums behaviour towards me has become worse the older I get and the less I need her. I now keep her at am arms length but I can't help but get upset with some of the hurtful things she says. For example, I took her and my dad out for dinner on Friday night as her Mother's day present (something which I did not offer, but was told I had to do!) and she commented that if I really wanted to die then I should just go to dignitas and be done with it. She may have been joking as she only knows about my first suicide attempt, but even so, I don't think it is the sort of thing that any mother should say to their daughter. Maybe if she knew that I have made about 8 attempts in the last 5 months she wouldn't be so quick to comment, or maybe it would make her worse...who knows.

There was numerous degrading comments which were made during the course of the two hours I spend with her on Friday night, and as a result I have spent the last four days on the sofa, in my pj's, eating rubbish and crying because I have felt to bad about myself and my life. I have managed to get dressed today so I think the depression is lifting but I just wish my mum knew the consequences of her behaviour. I also wish that I had the confidence to pick her up on the comments she makes, but in the past when I have done that, it gets twisted back on me and how bad I am. 

So anyway, the point of this blog is that family can provide and invaluable source of support, but can also, be a main source of a person's depression...