Family...

So the past week I have been in a depressive phase, or what I can in a bit of a funk.

Until Friday, I had managed to keep up the pretence that everything was ok and that there was nothing at all wrong. I am now off work for a week and haven't gotten dressed or been out of the house since Friday night. 

When I read other blogs, twitter or forums, what strikes me is how supportive people's family's can be. Whilst I am pleased for those people as everyone deserves support, I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy as I don't have that. In fact, I don't really have the support of anyone except my psychotherapist and psychiatrist. But do they only care because that is what I pay them to do?

My mum in particular is a big trigger for my depression. When I look back, she has always been very critical of me and likes to control my life. Even when I was a child, she would moan that she had to pick me up from school as she didn't feel like a 'playground mum', or that they had no money because of me, or that all the bad things that have happened within the family are because of me. Sometimes, if something breaks at their house, I will be blamed regardless of me being there or being 100 miles away. 

My mums behaviour towards me has become worse the older I get and the less I need her. I now keep her at am arms length but I can't help but get upset with some of the hurtful things she says. For example, I took her and my dad out for dinner on Friday night as her Mother's day present (something which I did not offer, but was told I had to do!) and she commented that if I really wanted to die then I should just go to dignitas and be done with it. She may have been joking as she only knows about my first suicide attempt, but even so, I don't think it is the sort of thing that any mother should say to their daughter. Maybe if she knew that I have made about 8 attempts in the last 5 months she wouldn't be so quick to comment, or maybe it would make her worse...who knows.

There was numerous degrading comments which were made during the course of the two hours I spend with her on Friday night, and as a result I have spent the last four days on the sofa, in my pj's, eating rubbish and crying because I have felt to bad about myself and my life. I have managed to get dressed today so I think the depression is lifting but I just wish my mum knew the consequences of her behaviour. I also wish that I had the confidence to pick her up on the comments she makes, but in the past when I have done that, it gets twisted back on me and how bad I am. 

So anyway, the point of this blog is that family can provide and invaluable source of support, but can also, be a main source of a person's depression...

Therapy

So today I had my weekly session with my therapist - well, I say weekly but I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks and won't be seeing him again for three weeks.

I like going to my therapy sessions as it gives me a chance to offload things but I can't help but keep things back. I am having a real depressive phase at the moment and find myself in really dark places. I can't help but feel that if I told him how down I feel that I would somehow be letting him down. He has put so much in to making me feel better and I feel guilty that I still have these feelings.

I've been seeing him for about 6 months which is a lot longer than I first intended. I like him because he can see through the 'i'm fine' and knows when I am fine but also when I am not. I feel lucky that I found him and really do appreciate the time and patience he has with me.

At the moment, I feel like i'm going through the motions of day to day living and pretending like everything is ok on the outside, but inside, I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I wish that I was able to verbalise this but throughout my childhood and teenage years I was scolded for feeling things so I have learnt that I need to keep these to myself. I try to tell friends how I feel but in the end I just end up pretending that everything is wonderful which just makes me feel even more alone.

I am hoping that this depressive phase doesn't last too long as it is not a nice place to be.

I guess this is just another day living as a manic depressive...

The start of a new journey

Hello to the world of blogging!

This is all new to me so you will have to bare with me. I have read blogs by other people on various topics and have wanted to create my own for a little while. I’m not sure if anyone else will read my babble but I am hoping that it will be a cathartic experience for me and will act as a place where I can vent my highs and lows in an anonymous way. I have been told time and time again that sharing feelings can be helpful so here it goes…

I'll go into a brief history as to what head lead me to this.

I was raped when I was 14 at a local fairground. I won’t go in to too much detail about this but unfortunately for me, the man was found not guilty. That is where my problems started, although at the time I didn’t realise the impact it would have on my mental health in later life. Looking back, I think I developed bipolar in my teens although I can’t be entirely sure when it started but it was definitely after that incident. I have always been a sunshine and showers type of person.

I started to see a psychotherapist last year and he really helped me come to terms with what happened to me and I felt that after ten years, I finally put that part of my life to bed. However, I began to open up about other aspect of my life which were causing me problems, namely the relationship I have with my mum – I will go in to that in another post. This sent me in to a deep depression and I took my first overdose in November.

I have been backwards and forwards with nhs but didn’t really get anyway or receive any support. I am lucky that my work are paying for me to see a private psychiatrist and I feel I am on the bumpy road to recovery.

I felt that now is a good time to start this blog as I am currently in a depressive state and am incredibly low – but who knows what tomorrow will being. Hopefully my depression will lift and I will be back to the sunshine state again.

If anyone takes the time to read this, I would like to say thank you and also sorry for rambling on and probably boring you. But hey, it makes good reading to send you to sleep